E-Indeed: The Blog

Being a single Mormon male in your late-20’s is a very interesting position to find yourself in. You’re past any question of being a menace to society (Everyone has a different age for that supposed quote, but 27 is the oldest I’ve heard, and that’s me). If you have the privilege of attending either a University Ward or Young Single Adult Ward, most everyone is far younger than you. And, to top it all off, you are bombarded from every angle with demands for you to ’settle down and get married.’

I would imagine that it must be awful for lifelong members of the Church–they’ve gone on their mission, done all that is asked of them, and are still single. I wouldn’t know though, since I fall into a different group–the convert. Every talk that I have heard or read which targets singles pays very little notice to converts. Which is understandable–as I see it, most of the missionaries talk to families rather than singles, and the majority of other converts I have known were baptized in their teens or after they were married. In fact, just about every convert I have run into who, like me, was baptized as a single in their mid-twenties has run into similar roadblocks. The problem is that our situation rarely, if ever, seems to be addressed.

First of all, some history so that you have a perspective on where I’m coming from. When I was baptized in 2002, I had recently moved to Las Vegas to start school in Animation. I had debt coming out my ears, school to worry about, and was trying to re-establish a normal life after my four years “finding myself.” I was also determined that after 4 years of going nowhere in college, I was going to finish my degree before worrying about anything else. I made progress in paying the debt down, started a business, and finished school. With all that, though, I still was nowhere near being debt-free so that I could serve a mission before I turned 26 (which is the age limit for a full-time proselyting mission as a single). I wanted to serve a mission, but short of giving up school there was no way for me to do that because of the age at which I was baptized. I’m not particularly worried about that, as I know I can go later in life as a couple. The problem is in getting to that point.

For some reason, there seems to be very little effort in the membership of the Church to separate converts who, because of timing, age, or financial obligations were unable to serve a mission from members who, through choice and action, were unwilling to serve. There is a heavy emphasis among the single women in the Church to marrying only Returned Missionaries. While that certainly lives up to the idea of dating (and marrying) only those who live the same values as you, it leaves a whole group of wonderful people out in the cold. Most people that I have talked to would agree that many converts are just as strong (and in some cases stronger) in their testimonies as many lifelong members, RM’s included. However, there seems to be a definitive disconnect in most minds between that philosophical point and the actual recognition that converts can be just as strong in the church as the ideal RM’s are.

I remember going to a Stake conference several years ago, and I remember that the General Authority’s wife spoke, and told the single women ‘not to settle for anything less than a Returned Missionary.’ I spoke with her and her husband after the Conference was over, and asked her about what I could do in my situation (too late to serve a mission). Her response (with his agreement) was that she was speaking to the Young Women in High School, about not dating someone who was not living in a manner which would allow them to complete a mission. She went on to say that there were many circumstances which could cause someone to be unable to serve a mission, yet still be just as worthy of an Eternal Companion. In that light, I wholeheartedly agreed with her–I would not like my daughter to date someone who was obviously living contrary to the teachings of the Gospel either. And I don’t think anyone would dispute that someone who has been in the church their whole life and yet is not preparing for a mission is living contrary to the Gospel. Again, though, I was disappointed that her statement had already been made.

You’re a great guy, but I’m only going to marry a Returned Missionary

Far be it from me to criticize the girl who says these words–They’ve been taught their whole lives to maintain their standards. I salute them for it. However, I am critical of the teaching itself. As I have said before, I agree that we in the Young Single Adult community have a responsibility to ourselves and to the Lord to only date (or marry) those who also live by our values. The problem is, that without exception, the first question I am asked when I go on a date is “Where did you serve your mission?” I explain that I am a convert and did not get the opportunity before I aged out. And then, in all but about 3 or 4 cases, the interest disappears. The girl’s eyes glaze over, and I might as well be talking to a brick wall from that point on, even though our interactions have been great up to that point in the evening. Then, in the other 3 or 4 cases, I might get a few more dates before I hear the words “I’m sorry, I really like you, but I can’t continue dating someone who I can’t marry, and I’m only going to marry a Returned Missionary.”

On top of that, I’ve even had one girlfriend who’s mother called me and asked me to stop dating her daughter, because she would not allow her daughter to carry on a relationship with a non-rm. Her daughter later told me that her parents and grandparents had all forbidden her to continue seeing me, as it would apparently ruin their reputation to have a non-returned missionary son-in-law. It’s things like this that make my blood boil. I’ve looked and looked, and I can’t find any backing for this discrimination–Conference talks praise the virtues of the converts (although they don’t mention singles specifically). Somewhere in the families’ teaching, apparently, the idea of being virtuous and strong in the gospel got replaced with ‘Returned Missionary’ for the sake of convenience, and now it’s having its toll.

While I am not one of them, I have known several now inactive converts who investigated and joined the Church because of the influence of their girlfriends–only to be dumped the moment they are baptized, because, yes, the girl will only marry a returned missionary. Even more have had the same experience as me–except that they turned to dating non-picky non-members, and proceeded to fall away from Church Activity.

At this point, my stand is that I’m done with the dating scene. I’ve got enough work with my business and my focus on writing and film-making to keep me plenty busy for the rest of my life, and I won’t have to deal with the aggravation of continuously getting dumped before I can even make a mistake worthy of getting dumped for. I’m not worried about it–I figure that if the Lord has that planned for me, it’ll happen whichever way. But, for the sake of other converts who will surely be going through the same thing in the future, I hope we can find a way to teach our kids about how much converts have to offer.

What’s your take?