E-Indeed: The Blog

In the last post I talked about a number of experiences I’ve had recently. This post is more about general principles that re-appear throughout my experience on this mortal coil so far.

Firstly, I was perusing the archives over at my oft-mentioned favorite blog at the moment, Top of the Mountains, and I came across this post. I sympathize with Ben’s question. All too often we are presented with the situation where there is little to no interest on the girl’s part, and we have to decide whether it’s opposition or a sign.

Now, in the comments, I was surprised to see a girl talking about guys being oblivious. I will admit, we often need a frying pan upside the head to see what’s in front of us–we are most definitely not good at taking subtle hints. What surprised me was not that. What shocked me was to see a girl from our Church talking about guys not seeing girls pursuing them. I’ve been pursued a few times in my life, but one thing definitive was that I have never been pursued by a girl from church. Our very teaching seems to go against the idea–Men are told that it is our priesthood responsibility to initiate dating activities, and that we do not receive the same opportunities in the next phase of life if we miss opportunities for eternal families here. Sisters, on the other hand, are counseled to better themselves and wait for the opportunity. At least, that’s my understanding. I believe, and I have seen nothing to contradict this, that there is nothing whatsoever wrong with a Sister initiating these interactions if she likes someone. However, I also believe that this counsel, like others I have mentioned in earlier posts, is often interpreted to mean that Sisters are not supposed to make any moves toward a guy they have interest in.

That said, there is something to be said in favor of this, unlike some of the other things I have talked about previously. I understand the hesitation there is to pursue someone who might be unwilling to take the risk of making the first move. There is a certain amount of “How can I trust him to take risks to provide and lead a family if he won’t even make the first move now?” in this. That is definitely a concern. However, as we should well know, this is “first moves,” not “He’s the one.”

Back to my perspective, I know that the most successful relationships I have had have been with girls who made the first move. In several notable cases, they gave up on me before I even noticed that they were trying to get their attention (again, a frying pan upside the head is sometimes necessary for us guys). On the other hand, most of the girls I have pursued have turned out to be utterly disastrous to me. But, as I have mentioned, since I joined the Church, not one Sister has approached me and made even the slightest effort to get my attention. At least, not to my knowledge. And I do try to pay attention.

On the other hand, I have been made into the “Token Male Girlfriend” a number of times, and I have female friends in the Church who are constantly asking my advice on their relationship woes. I know, in many ways, even though I understand how this works, I’m still waaay too nice.

Here’s the other thing that intrigues me though. When I spoke with one of the counselors in my Bishopric about my issues with dating, he asked me the age-old question, “How do you see yourself?” I gave him a roundabout non-answer, since we could fill a psychology manual fairly handily with all of my issues, but he responded with his wife’s opinion of me. Apparently, she is amazed that the girls in the ward aren’t falling all over themselves trying to get me to go out with them. Now, I don’t necessarily buy into this (again, lots of issues *grin*), but I’ve seen this in many other places as well. Parents love me (yes, my parents too, but I’m talking about other people’s parents). Teachers love me. I’ve had countless bishops’ and counselors’ wives trying to “hook me up.” It’s not new to me. I know that people have an impression that I have a lot going for me. I’ll just say that I’ve been very blessed professionally and mentally — credit where credit is due, but I don’t buy into my own personality. What is really interesting to me is that looking back, just about all of my friend’s girlfriends have been constantly trying to find me a match as well. Or, more recently, I’ve had lots of the girls in my ward randomly approaching me and telling me how great I am, which would be awesome, except that all of them so far have been seriously dating someone else or were engaged.

However, in recent weeks (and most of my adult life, but these are most recent in my memory), I’ve seen once again just how un-interesting I am to girls who are single and that I am actually attracted to. I actually had one tell me when I asked her to dinner “I’d love to hang out, but I will not date you under any circumstances.” Another has constantly avoided me since I asked her to a movie (although she was always very talkative beforehand), and the one that I actually had a date with, although cordial, treats me very cooly when I see her. These are the most extreme responses I’ve ever had–I don’t know what I did to elicit these responses, and even more so, I know that I’m much better around girls now than I ever used to be, at least at projecting confidence. I’m always a gentleman, so I don’t think I offended them in any way. It’s just thoroughly odd. For all I know, it might be because I’m from Vegas. Either that, or word is out that I’m not an RM.

Which leads me to a depressing conclusion: Apparently, I’m a great guy, but it’s only obvious to people who are already in love with and/or committed to other people. And I’m REALLY not sure what that indicates.